Background
A struggling community theatre company in a small unknown town holds its monthly meetings on a Sunday morning. The venue is a room in the back of a crumbling down arts centre, which is threatened with closure through lack of funding. The company battles in its search for funding.
Characters
| PETE: MAGGIE: SHIRLEY: CLIVE: JOSEPHINE: KEITH: BARMAN: | Manager of company (mid forties) Administrator/Marketing Manager (mid forties) Part Time Administrator (mid twenties) Creative Artist/Designer (early thirties) Producer (late twenties) A Rep for Juicy Organics (late twenties) Late twenties |
1. INT. MEETING IN ARTS CENTRE – DAY
PETE, JOSEPHINE, SHIRLEY, MAGGIE and CLIVE sit around a dirty, battered old table in the arts centre dingy back room. Gaffer tape and faded posters line the walls. A large surreal looking clock in the shape of a clown stands out in the room and says 11 o’clock. JOSEPHINE looks weary and dishevelled. Underweight SHIRLEY chews her nails intermittently and takes the minutes. Overweight and overbearing PETE smokes cigars. JOSEPHINE doodles love hearts on scraps of paper. MAGGIE is reading a book on HRT and stuffing her way through a bag of chocolate donuts. CLIVE wears a t-shirt saying ‘Give us a job! I’m only an artist!’ and is idly piling spoonfuls of sugar into his cup of tea. He has an old looking bandage around his right hand. He stares blankly through most of the meeting.
PETE
We need more black people in the company! Homosexual stage crew and a transvestite/transgender theme would help. We’re not diverse enough. Too many white middle class men! We’re not attracting the right types. Shirley, put an ad in the university freebee – say we support gay rights, ethnic minority issues and support all sexual practice and deviance. That should do it. Get on the case Shirley!
SHIRLEY subtly swallows a tablet with a glass of water and looks confused.
SHIRLEY
But we’re not an activist company or a gay rights group?
JOSEPHINE
(Waking up) But we could be you see? We could be absolutely anything we want. We could get everyone abseiling off the Tower Thistle Hotel shouting out their sexual practices. We could infiltrate the ethnic minority groups – steal the show from them! We could–
PETE
Exactly! Now seriously, Josephine, can we pull it off? Could we change The Tulip and the Plum Tree to say Pansies in Pakistan?
JOSEPHINE
(Giggles) Why not? Course we could. Its drama isn’t it? We can spin it off, sure!
SHIRLEY
But we can’t get things done in time. The last funding application fell through. The office isn’t big enough for our filing system and-
PETE stretches out across the table now as if in some surreal way he has become enormous and has taken over the entire room.
PETE
Now look here, I’m the boss of Sail Ahoy Theatre Company and I’m here to dish out the orders – and you’re here to act on them, right?
JOSEPHINE stands up now as if making an important speech. MAGGIE starts looking up from her book. SHIRLEY shrinks back. CLIVE continues to stare blankly.
JOSEPHINE
We can pull it off…read the blurb…you know…do the politically correct thing. It’s all acting. Everyone’s acting in this game. We make out we have a passion for these issues, then we get the funding, then we stay afloat. Like sailors finding their ship again. Sail ahoy! See?
MAGGIE peers out from behind her book with spectacles that make her look like the wise old owl of the table.
MAGGIE
Do you know what you’re saying Jo? You don’t have to do everything Pete suggests. Is it really viable? Do any of us know enough about gay issues or ethnic minority issues…or transvestites for that matter?
JOSEPHINE
(With a sly smile) Transgenderism – that’s the new one! Well maybe some of us do!
PETE
So that’s settled then. Get the ad in ASAP! Approach all lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and ethnic minority groups and see what we can come up with. Done! Now, let’s look at the minutes, the order of the minutes. Pay and resources at the end… next is marketing. What’s happened to our marketing strategy?
SHIRLEY has started to scratch at her skin in an obsessive manner.
SHIRLEY
We don’t have one cos we don’t have pay and we don’t have resources. Accounts don’t look good.
MAGGIE
– Another important issue which seems to have been bypassed recently.
PETE
Now as you know, there is money in certain places. Regardless of money, I’d like you and Shirley to knock together a marketing and publicity strategy before our next meeting. Let’s meet beforehand on the 27th. And make sure you emphasise the diversity.
SHIRLEY shuffles in her chair, groping inside a tattered shoulder bag for something.
JOSEPHINE
Yeah, plenty of diverse issues. ‘Transgenderism rules ok!’
SHIRLEY puts her jacket on and stands up.
SHIRLEY
Does anyone want anything from the shop? I’m getting some snacks, crisps and stuff. Looks like another long meeting. Got a spare fag Jo?
JOSEPHINE
Given up! Smoking kills you know. Pack it in Shirley. You’ll feel a lot better for it! I’ll have a veggie special! Thanks!
MAGGIE holds her head in despair and genuine pain.
MAGGIE
Just get us a packet of aspirin.
PETE
Just get another two or three packets of biscuits to keep us going!
CLIVE becomes more alert at the mention of food.
CLIVE
Nothing of any substance then? What about a proper lunch?
PETE
As you know, money is tight. Buy yourself a sandwich! You don’t have to starve!
MAGGIE and JOSEPHINE fumble in their bags for change. PETE opens the safe which requires two locking procedures and gives SHIRLEY £2.50. He also takes from the safe a packet of out-of-date Fairtrade tea bags and some UHT milk.
SHIRLEY
So that’s it is it…veggie baguette, three packets of biscuits and a packet of aspirin?
PETE
Yup. Clive can you get us all a tea please?
PETE almost throws the tea bags at CLIVE and places the UHT milk in the centre of the table as if it’s an important art piece.
CLIVE
I’m an artist, not a tea maker!
CLIVE reluctantly goes to the small kitchen, looking down trodden and hunched up. SHIRLEY leaves for the shop and there is a sudden slump and chorus of sighs amongst the rest of the staff. The clown clock appears to be laughing at them all.
2. INT. MEETING ONE AND A HALF HOURS LATER – DAY
PETE, MAGGIE, CLIVE AND JOSEPHINE sit around the same table. CLIVE is looking hot and agitated and has moved to sit next to PETE, leering towards him. JOSEPHINE is doodling pictures of half men/women. MAGGIE is doing breathing exercises and pressing pressure points on her head. She is also taking the minutes at intervals.
CLIVE
(Leaning forward in chair) Pete, you have to listen to us – the workers. We’re under a lot of stress in this game. Had another row with Sam last night…. Work related….you know? Don’t see her enough. She’s had enough. I’m not prepared to work all night on this project. You know about my past. I don’t wanna go back to that again. Stress levels, you know?
PETE
Look, your past is your past Clive, your problem, not mine. If you don’t want to be part of Sail Ahoy Theatre Company you can leave. The work has to be done, and if we have to stay up all night to do it we will. We’ve got to make things happen, ok?
CLIVE
You don’t listen to us, any of us. When are you gonna listen for once?
PETE
Perhaps when you start talking sense, and pull your weight around here a bit more.
CLIVE growls, lights a roll up and storms outside. MAGGIE watches him with concern while sticking two fingers on her temples and breathing deeply.
PETE
Right! I think we’ll carry on over lunch. What about Sail Ahoy’s next production? The Tulip and the Plum Tree at the Youth Centre isn’t it? Is it relevant to youth culture?
JOSEPHINE makes a stand up, passionate speech again.
JOSEPHINE
The Tulip and the Plum Tree is about failing love and relationships and about the inner core of the human psyche. Of course it’ll appeal to youth. It’s broad ranging. We don’t have a problem here.
PETE
Right! So everything’s ok for the tour then?
CLIVE overhears the discussion from outside and bellows through the window at the others. He sounds muffled and mad and passers-by on the street give him strange looks.
CLIVE
The minibus has no MOT or tax! The back wheel has a puncture, and there’s a hole in the flippin’ roof, but everything’s ok for the tour, wowee!
CLIVE is ignored by PETE, and JOSEPHINE only giggles. MAGGIE is his only support.
MAGGIE
We need money for the minibus otherwise the show won’t go on the road. End of story!
PETE
How are accounts for vehicle expenditure?
MAGGIE
Funding ran out last month.
PETE starts pacing the room, jangling the keys for the safe in his back pocket, and peering at a faded poster of Sylvester Stallone. He then becomes immediately big again.
PETE
How about public transport?
MAGGIE
Is that a joke? What sort of a theatre company are we?
PETE looks at Josephine subtly and seductively, ignoring Maggie’s comments.
PETE
Josephine?
We see an image of JOSEPHINE’S dream. A happy scene of bright colourful scenery, trees and other set easily accommodated for on a train and the whole cast singing happily together.
JOSEPHINE
We could do I guess. Quite a laugh really! There’d be a lot of lugging about of course – but we could do it.
PETE
Done then! There’s no money for the minibus til we get further funding. We’ll make do with the train and buses for now.
CLIVE re-appears looking slightly cooler.
CLIVE
I’ve got a bad back. You know I can’t carry anything.
PETE
You’ll have to carry something light then… a couple of beanbags and a cushion.
SHIRLEY arrives back from the shop. Everyone stares at her in silence as she has been gone for so long.
PETE
You’ve missed half the meeting Shirley! Does it take one point five hours to get a packet of biscuits?
SHIRLEY seems dazed, ignores his comments and hands out the food. She places biscuits in the middle of the table, which, like the milk, look like a strange and significant art piece.
SHIRLEY
Three packets of chocolate biscuits, packet of aspirin, veggie baguette-
3. INT. MEETING 2 HOURS LATER – DAY
The same crew sit and stand around the table which is strewn with funding applications, rejection letters from funders, broken biscuits and dirty mugs. SHIRLEY is looking pale and unwell. CLIVE is leaning out of the window smoking. MAGGIE takes an aspirin. PETE leans seductively towards JOSEPHINE by the wall as they drink tea together, giggling. JOSEPHINE, flattered by PETE’S attention, flirts back. In a surreal moment all characters look at the clock which says four o’clock and race back to their ‘business like’ positions at the table, except SHIRLEY.
SHIRLEY
I feel a bit sick.
SHIRLEY runs quickly to the toilet attached to the office. MAGGIE grabs her arm but she flies off in a panic.
MAGGIE
Are you all right Shirley?
The others hear her wretch and groan for a few minutes. PETE attempts to ignore the situation.
PETE
Now, next on the agenda is ‘resources’. What do we have and what do we need?
MAGGIE
What about Shirley Pete?
PETE
Shirley will be ok. We are in the middle of an important meeting – time is running out. I repeat the question, what about resources?
MAGGIE
Our office is cramped. The computer needs updating and we need a printer that works. We also have an administrator who’s not well.
PETE
Unfortunately Maggie these are issues we can’t deal with now. The printer can be fixed yes. Can you deal with that? Shirley’s health will no doubt be fixed as well. What about the computer? Does it work? And Shirley does her job, that’s the main thing.
MAGGIE
Shirley’s not well Pete. How can she do her job properly? And we need Internet access, and up to date software. How can we market ourselves on equipment that isn’t up to scratch?
PETE
We need to make do with what we’ve got, and that includes the staff. We’ll look into the Internet when the funding comes through. For now, get the printer fixed on the money we get from the youth club. Clive, can you dress up as a frog and do a publicity stunt in town? Some sort of fundraising activity – do your mime thing and a bit of juggling. Shirley could take a few snaps of kids with the frog.
We see a close up framed photo stacked on top of a filing cabinet. It is of CLIVE dressed as a frog, surrounded by children and through his painted smiley face we see how miserable he looks.
CLIVE
We’re doing The Tulip and The Plum Tree, not The Frog Prince!
PETE
Do we have a plum tree or tulip costume? No. So we make do with the frog because it stands out, and we can get the press in on the act. Frogs fall in love, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, and all that, so it fits, ok?
JOSEPHINE
Very romantic that! One of us could design a tulip costume to go with it. Great!
CLIVE
Who, me I suppose? Another late night is it, leaving Sam at home wondering why muggins here is still at work till the early hours?
CLIVE starts chewing gum and trying to smoke at the same time. JOSEPHINE heads for an old crate like box and digs out the frog costume excitedly, swinging it around for all to see.
JOSEPHINE
It’ll be fun Clive. It doesn’t have to take all night!
CLIVE
But it will! And when do we get paid for all this hard graft? Will we get paid?
PETE
You know what the score is Clive. Its profit makings for your wages. If you want to go back to the dole queue, it’s up to you…but artists with bad backs aren’t in great demand.
CLIVE stands up in defence, banging his fist on the table then holding it when it hurts. His bandaged knuckles become more apparent now.
CLIVE
That was uncalled for! What happened to equal opportunities? What happened to sensitivity?
PETE
The sensitivity is in the art – The Tulip and the Plum Tree. How more sensitive can you get?
MAGGIE
That’s the play. What about showing some understanding towards the staff?
PETE
I’m an understanding man. But this is business – show business. The show has to go on. We don’t just stop to nurse our wounds every five minutes.
SHIRLEY comes back from toilet looking very pale.
CLIVE
Well, I don’t want to work for this low level sensitivity! I’ve got family to support. I’ve got my own art. I don’t need this!
CLIVE storms out of room slamming door.
PETE
(Laughs) Sad! The artists’ temperament! Still, he’ll get over it. Maggie, just check he’s ok, and get him another cuppa and a chocolate biscuit.
MAGGIE huffs dragon like at PETE and has a hot flush. She turns her attention to SHIRLEY.
MAGGIE
Shirley, are you all right? You look terrible!
SHIRLEY
Just…ate too much, that’s all.
MAGGIE sighs and exits obviously angry, clutching her head in pain and a half-cup of tea for CLIVE, without the biscuits. SHIRLEY stares in confusion at PETE. JOSEPHINE doodles.
4. INT. THE DOG AND PARROT PUB – NIGHT
MAGGIE and CLIVE sit together in a cosy romantic looking corner drinking pints. CLIVE is smoking roll ups. MAGGIE is smartly dressed with her hair up. CLIVE looks scruffy and tired, unshaven, almost tramp like. A very obviously camp barman is at the bar. There are lots of couples here and soft music playing. MAGGIE is patting CLIVE’S hand and leaning towards him, almost blowing warm air into his face. CLIVE has become boy like.
MAGGIE
Look, you don’t have to stay if it’s that bad Clive. Just leave.
CLIVE
I wish it was that easy. I’ve got kids to support. I’ve been unemployed for five years with my back. I’ve been struggling to work from home – but it doesn’t pay the bills you know? I thought this was a chance. My heart’s really in this theatre company – if it wasn’t for Pete and his attitude problem.
MAGGIE
We all feel the same. You know, I went for another interview last week in Scarborough. I’ve got six application forms at home. But I never get a chance to fill them in! I’m working at home to catch up on it all. Shirley hasn’t got a clue – makes out she does. I’m sure she was taken on for her short skirts, you know? And to fit the equal opportunities policy – for grant bids.
CLIVE
What do you mean to fit the equal opportunities policy? She’s not black is she?
MAGGIE
No, but she’s only just recovered.
CLIVE
-From what?
MAGGIE
-Anorexia. She’s not a size eight for nothing. I tell you, if too much stress is piled on her she’ll go again. Why do you think she was sick on Sunday? It’s not looking good. Apparently it’s my responsibility. I’ve been told to keep an eye on her. I’m her flippin’ psychiatrist! How do you think I feel about that?
CLIVE
You don’t have to do stuff like that! You’re an administrator.
MAGGIE
Exactly! And I tell you, I want to get back to being an administrator. I’ve never had so many migraines in my life.
CLIVE gets up unsteadily and promptly falls down again. MAGGIE hauls him up.
MAGGIE
Come on sailor – we haven’t sunk yet!
CLIVE
Do you want another beer?
MAGGIE
Would I say no? Thanks Clive, you’re a mate!
CLIVE disappears to the bar and stares uncomfortably at the barman. Meanwhile, MAGGIE reapplies her lipstick and reflects on herself in a small mirror. CLIVE returns with two pint glasses.
MAGGIE
Is Sam ok about you being out tonight?
CLIVE
She’s at her Indian cookery class. I can’t keep burdening her with all my work problems. I’ve got to preserve my marriage out of all this!
MAGGIE
Tom doesn’t understand. He sits and watches football like it’s his idol – I might as well not speak at all.
CLIVE
Footie does that to you – Passive – it’s all passive, and people don’t exist any more. Not real people. But you do art, and it’s alive and its real – it’s not passive. You’re no longer a passive being, you’re active.
MAGGIE cheekily pats CLIVE on the head then subtly wipes away the grease from her hands on a baby wipe she has in her handbag.
MAGGIE
Shame they don’t make them all with your kind of brain!
CLIVE
yeah, guess so!
BARMAN
Last orders! Last orders! Let’s have your dead ones!
CLIVE
(Slurred) That’s us! Dead ones. May as well be! Here barman – take me! I’m a dead’un!
Camp BARMAN tuts at CLIVE but as their eyes meet there is a moment of recognition again until he walks off taking the empty glasses.
MAGGIE
(Merrily drunk and slurred to barman) Hey, do you wanna join a theatre company? Come on Clive we’ll survive somehow! Whoever died for arts sake?
CLIVE
Me, I did – five years ago, when I stopped being a proper artist.
The two stumble out together, laughing and giggling. They pass a young couple kissing passionately.
5. INT. JOSEPHINE’S FLAT – NIGHT
JOSEPHINE is at home in her basement studio flat, cooking a lentil soup and painting her toenails while sitting on a plastic banana chair. There are papers and magazines scattered all over the floor. The TV is showing an old episode of The Munsters and there is an odd collection of books on her shelf on Transgender issues and feminism, theatre, circus and Antonin Artaud.
The phone rings. JOSEPHINE struggles to blow on her toenails and hobbles over to the phone, checking the lentils on the way. She sits on the floor cross-legged.
JOSEPHINE
Hi!
PETE
Hi Jo…Pete. Good time to talk?
JOSEPHINE
(Giggles) Not really, but when is? You still at work?
PETE
Working from home. We’ve got a lot to sort out. Staff morale has hit the bottom. Money’s running out. The youth club just cancelled – something about lack of space and double booking. I need your creative thinking. Can we pull something off as street theatre? Is it viable?
JOSEPHINE clambers onto her banana chair and starts rocking. Steam is rising fast out of the saucepan and there is a fierce bubbling underneath of over-excited lentils!
JOSEPHINE
Street theatre? You know I always was into that. I told you, the play’s adaptable. We could do the park! But it’s just the weather at this time of year. Could the cast cope?
PETE
That’s what I need you to tell me. I’ll get Maggie to do publicity and marketing and press arrangements. Clive can do some kind of set design. Just convince the actors it’ll be worth it.
JOSEPHINE
Will they get paid? Recognition?
PETE
Pay depends on audience response. Recognition? Say yes – for being out in the cold. And Jo, this could be your lucky break! We’re talking about innovation here, real innovation. And that’s what our funders like. Let’s prove to them that ‘park theatre’ in November is the kind of stuff we do. Knock up some feedback questionnaires for the audience, and we’ll get Clive in the frog suit again. This’ll be novelty at its best. Get it? Real innovation!
JOSEPHINE
Yeah, innovation! Wow Pete! This sounds great. We’ll be real innovators. Done then! Sounds exciting! Better get some thermal underwear for the whole cast!
PETE
Well, if that’s what it takes. Oh, I’m out of the office now for a week – got some tests at the hospital. Any problems just e-mail me at home.
JOSEPHINE
Great! Leave it to the artists. Nothing serious I hope?
PETE
-Just the usual. Head problems. Thanks, Jo. I can always count on you. Bye for now!
JOSEPHINE
See ya’!
JOSEPHINE looks up and sees steam covering the windows of the small kitchen, and water boiling over onto the stove.
JOSEPHINE
Damn! Damn!
She rushes over to sort out the pan of lentils and looks at her watch in a panic. She starts to look clown like with nail varnish on her fingers and legs.She returns to the phone and dials a number.
ANSWER MESSAGE (VO)
Paul’s the name and activity’s my game. Probably not here, so leave a message after the bleep, bleep, bleep.
JOSEPHINE
(Under breath) Damn! (records message) Paul, I can’t make it for Moonlight in Paradise tonight – something urgent’s come up. Come round for lentil soup and I’ll make it up to you. See ya’ honey bun!
JOSEPHINE
He won’t like it!
JOSEPHINE clutches her head with her hand and starts sobbing into her woolly jumper, which is already soaking with the lentil soup.
6. INT. MEETING TWO AT ARTS CENTRE – DAY
Almost in a surreal way PETE, JOSEPHINE, MAGGIE, CLIVE and SHIRLEY sit around the same table in the battered down office. CLIVE has a flask beside him which he drinks from throughout the meeting. The others look at it curiously but make no comments. The clock says half past eleven.
SHIRLEY
(Excited and gossipy) So we have to share the office with Juicy Organics.
PETE
Explain further Maggie.
MAGGIE
We can’t afford the rent – our core funding ran out, and Juicy Organics comes along looking for sponsorship and office space. It’s the only available option we have at the moment. We bring Juicy Juice into The Tulip and The Plum Tree – probably plum juice – and they pay most of the rent. We drink the juice every day, and its all hunky dory! At least we’ll have something healthy to drink for a change!
PETE
Right, well clinch the deal then, since we have no other options. Jo, can it be done theatrically? If not, just make it happen!
JOSEPHINE
Yeah, sure! It’ll be fun. The Tulip and The Plum Tree can both drink juice – a kind of aphrodisiac – a Midsummer Nights Dream element – a love potion. Yeah!
PETE
Good. That’s sorted then. Maggie, how are we doing with the diverse and ethnic groups?
MAGGIE
Not interested – at least not enough interest. We have to prove that what we do is relevant to these groups – and we know what we’re talking about. And frankly we don’t! What exactly are we doing? We’ve got a couple of students from the gay and lesbian society. So what do we do with them now?
PETE
We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
MAGGIE
We have come to it! They want to join us. How do we break the news that we’re nothing to do with gay and lesbian issues?
PETE
The point is we will be – just not for this production. Sign them up as members of the company! Bring them along to rehearsals – no, get them to write the play!
JOSEPHINE
Are they playwrights?
MAGGIE
They’re just gay students. Does that make them playwrights?
PETE
Just get their ideas down. They don’t have to write the play.
CLIVE
Who’s organising these students?
PETE
Shirley, could you spare a couple of hours?
SHIRLEY
(Excited) Yeah! Why not? What do you want me to do?
PETE
Just ask them what they want in a gay play and type out a few notes. Ok?
SHIRLEY
All right, Cool!
PETE
Clive, draw up a poster on gay issues and work on set and props design for the new play. Maggie, get onto that new funding application and mention the gay issue.
CLIVE starts looking agitated and clenches his fists on the table.
CLIVE
I am not designing a poster on gay issues. I did not join this company to target the gay population.
PETE
Well, bit of a raw nerve Clive?
CLIVE stands up and leans towards PETE.
CLIVE
I don’t want to do it. That’s it!
PETE
Well, I’m telling you to do it Clive, or else you’re out of a job! We’re trying to survive here as a company. If you don’t like the gay issue you can leave.
CLIVE settles down defeated and takes a big slurp from his flask. He is watched by the others. After a sulking silence he resigns to the task.
CLIVE
All right, I’ll do the poster! Why are we suddenly a political theatre company? What happened to art for the sake of art – the aesthetic experience – a good story? When did we have to become politicians?
PETE
When it was the only way to get any money and stay afloat in this game. And that’s Sail Ahoy’s story!
MAGGIE
Hold on. Hold on. Aren’t we going a bit fast here? What about the urgency of The Tulip and the Plum Tree? We’re on the road next week, or rather the rail!
PETE
We haven’t come to that part of the agenda yet. Funding’s our main priority right now.
CLIVE starts waving his arms about in a manic manner now and almost toppling off his chair. He knocks his cup over and a frothy liquid spills all over the table.
CLIVE
(Obviously drunk) Funding, funding, funding. Is that all you ever think about?
PETE
At the moment, yes. You’ve been drinking Clive. Beer!
CLIVE
You bet!
PETE
Then I don’t think your contribution is of any use.
CLIVE
Ha ha!
CLIVE falls onto the floor, landing on MAGGIE’S feet. She pats him on the head like a dog, then remembers his greasy hair and gets a baby wipe out of her bag. JOSEPHINE and SHIRLEY are both giggling.
MAGGIE
Clive, come into the kitchen for a minute. Let’s get you a cup of tea and a biscuit.
MAGGIE takes his arm and leads him into the kitchen. He is unsteady on his feet and mumbling.
PETE
Shirley, go to the deli and buy four packets of biscuits and some more tea bags please! We might not all be plastered, but a bit of light refreshment wouldn’t go amiss.
SHIRLEY
Anyone else want anything? (Silence) Right, I’ll go then.
SHIRLEY leaves for the shop.
7. INT. MEETING TWO CONTINUED – DAY
The clock says two o’clock. Everyone except Shirley is sitting around the table looking worn out.
PETE
Now back to the tour, starting in the park next week. Everything sorted Jo?
JOSEPHINE
The cast aren’t happy – with the cold. But they’ll do it for the exposure…if you know what I mean (giggles). Costumes’ll have to be adapted. And we won’t be able to shift the scenery on the bus. So we’ll have to use the natural background – trees – though they’re doing some felling at the moment, so it’s a bit bare. But then that’s the bareness of it all – lost love – lost hope, like a tree stump, cut off. Mmm, I like that, and with the cold, the coldness of it all, and we’ll all be cold!
PETE
What about an audience? How do we get bums on seats when bums are gonna turn blue with the cold?
MAGGIE
Juicy Organics are giving out free plum juice and fruit tea. We’ve told people to bring a blanket. It’s been promoted as a novelty event. Shirley’s sold five tickets so far, and the press will be there out of pure irony!
CLIVE
And the suckers who do come will be a novelty themselves. Ha ha!
PETE
What happened to the frog act Clive?
CLIVE
Ah, the frog prince. Fell through. Fell out of love.
PETE
Well, I can see Clive’s not up to the job.
SHIRLEY arrives back from the shop carrying bags of biscuits.
SHIRLEY
Tea bags. Biscuits. Ugh! I’m gonna be sick!
SHIRLEY rushes to toilet and the others hear her wretch and groan.
PETE
Right. Pull yourselves together everyone! Meeting over, and on the road next week.
CLIVE
Ha ha!
CLIVE slides under table.
8. EXT. THEATRE IN THE PARK – DAY
It is late afternoon, the sun just beginning to set. The end of the show with just a few hangers on looking wet and cold. The cast rush around in dreary looking costumes, swigging from cans of beer. Photographers and press are talking to PETE outside a tent. JOSEPHINE is struggling to carry everything while drinking plum juice out of a carton. JUICY ORGANICS have a stall where a young man (REP) is still trying to promote his products. CLIVE is in his frog outfit, clutching his back in pain as MAGGIE approaches him, her hair tied up and dressed up for the occasion.
MAGGIE
Clive, I’m glad I caught you. We can’t keep meeting any more. Tom’s suspicious. And what happened the other night…
CLIVE
I know it shouldn’t have happened Mags. It was just a friendly kiss. You know, I was drunk. That’s all. Just forget it! We’re both pissed off and I’m pissed most of the time. But we’re both married.
MAGGIE
Yeah. We just needed each other for a while. Like two sailors on a raft, trying to find dry land.
CLIVE
Yeah, and I need to dry out. Have to get out of this frog outfit now. See you later!
MAGGIE
See ya’ Clive! I’m off to sound off big boss before I get another migraine.
MAGGIE Rushes off in search of PETE and literally runs right into his protruding stomach. It has now started to hailstone and MAGGIE’S hairdo is coming apart rapidly as her face becomes flushed.
PETE
In a bit of a hurry Mags?
MAGGIE
I told you it wouldn’t work. You can’t expect an audience in sub zero conditions. How is this gonna make us money huh?
PETE
We have to try every possible option. Not everything will work. At least we got an audience.
MAGGIE
Oh yes, the press, Juicy Organics and the gay and lesbian society. Brilliant!
PETE
We’ll get publicity, that’s the main thing. And its innovation!
MAGGIE
(Very angry) Well, I for one am not happy about standing outside in bloody hailstones, with another bloody migraine, and you sitting there in the warmth doing sod all as usual!
PETE
I am the manager Maggie. You are the administrator, and you are obviously suffering with your hormones at the moment, and the cold. I’m sorry but there’s not much I can do about that.
MAGGIE
I’m not even going to reply to such sexist, insensitive remarks. You can stuff your bloody theatre company. I’m going to be a proper administrator now. Get yourself another mug!
MAGGIE walks off into hailstones, hair falling down, then with an after thought turns round, looking for CLIVE, then seeing him struggling to take the rubber frog outfit off she shouts.
MAGGIE
What about you Clive? Fancy a pint in the Dog and Parrott?
CLIVE shouts through the wind and violently falling hailstones.
CLIVE
I’ll be there Mags. Just get the frog off me first.
SHIRLEY
(Exiting portaloo sobbing) Bloody cold! Bloody hail stones. Bloody men! I just wanted love. Why does it have to be like this? It’s not fair!
MAGGIE sees SHIRLEY and decides to head back to get her.
MAGGIE
Shirley, come to the pub with us!
SHIRLEY
(Sobbing) I’ve gotta help clear up and I need talk to Jo. I don’t feel well. I can’t feel my feet.
MAGGIE
They’re still there Shirl! You’re in no fit state to do anything. I’m kidnapping you to the pub!
MAGGIE grabs SHIRLEY’S arm and SHIRLEY follows easily, still sobbing. Meanwhile, PETE is wearing lots of warm clothes, organising the clearing up, and speaking to the press in a tent. JOSEPHINE rushes around trying to find PETE, organise the actors and pack up. Finally inside the tent JOSEPHINE finds PETE.
JOSEPHINE
Pete, at last!
PETE
I’m just talking to the press. Can it wait?
JOSEPHINE
No. I’ve lost Maggie. Clive and Shirley and the actors are refusing to do any more work. They’re packing up and leaving.
PETE
Just do what you can, and bring the stuff in here when you’re ready to go.
JOSEPHINE
(Panicked and stressed) I’m soaking wet and I can’t lift half of the stuff – there’s squashed plums all over the grass.
PETE
Don’t worry about the plums for goodness sake! I’m sure Juicy Organics can make use of them.
JOSEPHINE heads towards the remaining set and seating, sobbing under her breath, and slipping on plums. She is holding a pile of papers. She is approached by a representative of Juicy Organics, a young good looking, healthy man who seems remarkably calm and optimistic. He is holding two glasses of a hot liquid.
REP
Great play!
JOSEPHINE
What do you mean, ‘great play’? It’s a disaster! No one turned up. The weather killed everything. It was a stupid idea in the first place. The whole crew’s deserted me and my manager doesn’t seem to care. Listen to this audience feedback (holding up paper): I have never felt so cold in my life – I only stayed to see how long the actors would last. Do you call this romance?
REP
Mmm, but still, a great play! Pleased to meet you – Keith! Would you like some juice?
JOSEPHINE
Juice? I’ve got enough of that on my feet. Will it make me feel better? Put some rum in it and maybe it will!
REP
Pure organic juice – warmed with cloves. Just what the doctor ordered. It’ll warm you, give you energy and keep off infections.
He hands her a glass of the hot liquid, then gently leads her to a warm secluded corner in the tent scattered with hay bails.
REP
We might as well get to know each other. We’ll be sharing the same office. (Pause) What are you doing in this run down company?
JOSEPHINE
Is it run down?
They sit on hay bails.
REP
You can’t afford the rent. You don’t have transport. Your cast and colleagues have deserted you. Your manager isn’t much help.
JOSEPHINE
So why do you want sponsorship from us? Why do you want to share our office?
REP
We have to start somewhere.
JOSEPHINE
So do I! Community theatre always is a struggle. That’s the way it is.
REP
It doesn’t have to be this much of a struggle. You’ve got real talent. Do you want a lift to the Dog and Parrot?
JOSEPHINE looks warmly at REP, they smile at each other and head out of the tent together.
9. INT. At the Dog and Parrot – DAY
MAGGIE, CLIVE and SHIRLEY sit around a table in the pub, MAGGIE and CLIVE obviously getting drunk and merry and SHIRLEY looking downhearted, peering into space and looking at herself in a mirror.
CLIVE
(Drunk and jolly, singing) Show me the way to go home…
MAGGIE
Are you happy Clive?
CLIVE
I’m happy to get out of the bloody cold and out of that frog outfit. I’ve done my back in again. ‘Carry a couple of beanbags and a cushion!’ Nothing about ‘oh yes, and just a tree stump, a 201b bag of plums, a couple of crates of Juicy bloody Organics, and half a PA system’ – oh no! I’m out of action for another couple of weeks now!
MAGGIE
Clive, you should have refused.
CLIVE
There was no-one else to do it. Do you want another pint?
MAGGIE
I’m all right. You’ve had enough Clive. You’re drinking too much again.
CLIVE starts leering about with his legs and arms creating a spectacle which sets a young couple off laughing.
CLIVE
Me drink is me friend. If it wasn’t for the ole’ beer in me belly, I’d be a gonna by now! Can’t say you’ve been teetotal lately!
MAGGIE
Clive, I just don’t want to see you sink further down. You’re a good artist.
CLIVE
I won’t be a waster no more. I’ll live for the sake of art.
MAGGIE ignores CLIVE in despair and turns to SHIRLEY.
MAGGIE
How are you feeling Shirley?
SHIRLEY
I don’t wanna fall for the wrong types any more. I feel sick. I wanna be an actress, not a boring administrator.
MAGGIE
Gay men always will be gay you know? (Looks up seeing Josephine and Rep walk in) Oh, look who’s here! It’s Jo and some dishy fella! How come she isn’t sucking up to big boss back at base?
JOSEPHINE
(Rushing over to others) Yeah. I’ve come to drown my sorrows as well! This is Keith, the Organics rep.
MAGGIE
(Big grin) Nice to meet you Keith.
KEITH
Can I get anyone a drink?
CLIVE
Another pint, thanks!
SHIRLEY
Double gin and tonic.
JOSEPHINE
Pint of cider thanks.
KEITH goes off to bar while MAGGIE leers at JOSEPHINE curiously.
MAGGIE
So, who’s this then Jo?
JOSEPHINE
Someone who rescued me from the wolf in sheep’s clothing I guess.
MAGGIE
You’ve seen the light then?
JOSEPHINE
He said he’d make me a star. He said we’d really make it. He said he’d help me climb up the career ladder. I believed him. I really did. But it’s at such a cost. I lost Paul. I almost lost my flat.
MAGGIE
You don’t have to stay. I’m not. Clive’s not. Shirley’s not.
JOSEPHINE
You’re all leaving?
MAGGIE
The whole lot of us. It won’t keep afloat now.
JOSEPHINE
I don’t know what I’d do. Give us a roll up Clive!
CLIVE
You don’t smoke!
JOSEPHINE
I do now.
KEITH returns with the drinks. He sees Josephine about to light a roll up and snatches it away from her.
KEITH
That’s not the way to deal with stress. You don’t smoke do you?
JOSEPHINE
How do you know?
KEITH
Don’t get into bad habits. Stick to the juice. I told you it’s good for you.
JOSEPHINE
(Putting hand to head in despair) I don’t know what to do. Save the sinking ship or fling myself overboard with the rest of you.
KEITH
The ship will sink anyway. Do you want to go down with it?
JOSEPHINE
I’ll talk to Pete. I’ve always made allowances for him because of his health – because of what he’s been through – because…
MAGGIE
What do you mean Jo?
JOSEPHINE
I’m not supposed to say anything.
MAGGIE leans towards JOSEPHINE hawk like, willing her to give information.
MAGGIE
You might as well tell us Jo. Maybe we’ll understand something.
JOSEPHINE
No. I can’t tell you. I can’t.
10. INT. MEETING THREE – DAY
PETE, MAGGIE, SHIRLEY, CLIVE and JOSEPHINE sit round the same battered old table in the crumbling down back room of the arts centre. Cartons of Juicy Organics are scattered around the office.
Everyone has dead, expressionless faces almost robot like. They answer PETE in a robotic way, numb, exhausted and defeated. There is an air of mental deterioration and sickness in everyone. Each person has a copy of the minutes in front of them. A pile of funding application forms sit in front of MAGGIE.
PETE
(Peering at minutes) So what’s on the agenda? Ah yes, Juicy Organics to move into Sail Ahoy Theatre Company’s above office on 22nd December. Agreed by all?
ALL
Yes.
PETE
Religious tour booked for the north, starting at Leek Methodist Church?
ALL
Yes.
PETE
Any questions?
ALL
No.
PETE
Could you get us four packets of biscuits and some strong coffee from the Delhi Shirley?
SHIRLEY rises from her seat robotically.
SHIRLEY
Anyone else want anything?
JOSEPHINE
Get us some rizzlas please.
CLIVE
Bring back a couple of cans of lager. Tar.
MAGGIE
And a packet of Panadol. I can feel a migraine coming on.
PETE
Get a couple of packets of Valium and Prozac.
PETE swallows a tablet and SHIRLEY leaves for the shop.
PETE
Now, back to the agenda. Resources. Do we have enough?
MAGGIE
No.
PETE
Minibus?
CLIVE
Off the road.
PETE
Rent?
MAGGIE
Can’t pay.
PETE
Grant applications?
MAGGIE
Failed.
PETE
New members of ethnic minories, gay, lesbian, transgender?
JOSEPHINE
Two transvestites.
PETE
Pay?
MAGGIE
None.
PETE
Home life?
ALL
None.
PETE
Sanity?
ALL
None left.
PETE
Juicy Juice?
ALL
Lots.
11. INT. MEETING THREE, ONE HOUR LATER – DAY
JOSEPHINE, CLIVE and MAGGIE have all collapsed with exhaustion on the table. PETE continues as if everything is normal.
PETE
End of meeting. 3 p.m.
SHIRLEY comes back from shop. Everyone wakes up suddenly.
SHIRLEY
Four packets of biscuits, one packet Panadol, two cans lager, one packet rizzlas, one packet Valium, one packet Prozac.
SHIRLEY places all of the above in the centre of the table built up to create a large art piece while the others stare blankly! Suddenly everyone grabs for their produce in a mad panic.